The kids are growing like weeds. Sometimes when I drop them off at school I still cry. They’re almost all teenagers now.
Last night I had a nightmare that they found a dead body in our fridge and the police were taking one of the kids away. I don’t actually think any of my kids have a future as murderers, but I recognize that the dream means I’m afraid of losing them. I’m in it for the long-haul. I expect to help them out for all my time on earth. But they’re getting bigger and having consequences that I can’t protect them from it is a scary moment in parenting. Nowadays I see people with three kids under three and I feel bitter and I think to myself “just you wait.”
I think the funniest part about the dream is that my kids were machine gun Kelly and girlfriend Megan. But somehow in the dream they were my kids. I literally woke up screaming and Steve had to tell me it’s just a dream.
You know, people tell me you’re doing the best you can, you’re a good mother you’re offering them everything. But how do you know if it’s enough? What is enough? Is less more? It’s so hard to tell and so hard to be sure. I really miss the days of being absolutely sure I was picking out just the right diaper and feeding them just the right food and that was the end of it. In reality so much of that actually came from media didn’t it? Before I had these expensive kids are used to think that it was imaginary that kids were so expensive. That in reality all they really needed was to be loved deeply and that would make them grow up properly. LOL back then I was as naïve as my kids are now.
We have some trees in our backyard that the kids have played on their whole lives. They swung on them they climbed in them they built stuff on them. Those trees are considered weeds. I’ve had so many people tell me to cut them down or dig them up. And yet they brought four humans so much joy.
In reality I have always wanted them to grow like weeds, to find their place - to fit in to exist no matter what the circumstances. I don’t want them to be like landscaping, that requires endless maintenance and care and doesn’t really belong where it’s put. Weeds wave in the wind and come back over and over. Landscaped trees that are put where they don’t belong get knocked over pretty easily. So I guess it’s OK with me that they’re growing like weeds.
Teenagers are known to be very difficult I think it will get better with age.
ReplyDeleteHonestly since I’ve written this post it really has gotten a little bit better. It’s just a natural order of things I guess they have to hate you a little bit in order to be able to become independent.
DeleteHopefully, it does get easier. It's like trying to waltz on thin ice - a slippery slope.
DeleteIt’s so difficult to say goodbye and watch our children grow. Obviously we want them to grow and thrive, becoming wonderful individuals, but at the same time we don’t want to lose them. We love them so much we want them young and with us forever.
ReplyDeleteYou’re right it does feel like a thigh. But I guess since family is forever it’s not really goodbye it’s just see you in the new way that you are.
DeleteAwww! Weeds really are beautiful- they are often misunderstood too!
ReplyDeleteYeah, to me weeds are a perfect analogy.
DeleteLol! That is a pretty funny dream though!
ReplyDeleteYes! Machine Gun Kelly! How weird!
DeleteLol! That is a pretty funny dream though! I really enjoyed trying to interpret my dreams I think they all mean something even if it’s something small. I think here uou are right on point with understanding the letting go part of parenting. Remember, no matter how much we let go, we are always still connected.
ReplyDeleteTrue true true. That’s the thing about family is we always get to stay connected that’s why it’s important to set a good foundation.
DeleteThe time passes really fast, kids really do grow like weeds
ReplyDeleteWeed stay cold and thrive trees get knocked over by a storm.
DeleteTalk about a nightmare! The brain finds "interesting" ways of showing us our deepest fears, doesn't it? You never know how much is enough. All you can do is raise as best as you can, make them feel loved, give them the freedom to make their own mistakes and learn from those. And the rest is up to them. Just be there for them when they fail and make it clear that they can talk about anything at all without any judgement. Be their friend.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't cut the "weeds". From what you said, they are part of the family.
Yes, well I think it’s funny that the stuff that kills weeds in real life has been found to be terribly cancerous à la Monsanto.
DeleteIt's so nice how you look at things and how you see weeds. They do manage to grow anywhere and are able to just do what is needed to survive and thrive. Us humans can learn a lot from weeds. Hang in there, give them a bit of space. As they grow up, they become more independent and feel the need to rebel and talk back and since you're the one closest you'll get the bulk of it. Try not to take it personally, just remember that you were once their age. If you try to be their friend while still keeping some ground rules (without some rules it all falls apart), you'll be good.
ReplyDeleteThat is really good advice. It’s like you have to take a balance between friendship and dictatorship. It’s a really important part of keeping your kid safe to keep them open and talking to you. But it is so hard to let go. Imagining them driving away in a car almost gives me a panic attack.
DeleteIt really puzzles me to see marijuana connected with narcotics… dope and all that crap. It’s a thousand times better than whiskey — it’s an assistant — a friend.
ReplyDeleteEverything Is Better With A Bag Of Weed.
ReplyDeleteHahaha...
Our bodies and minds evolved and were adapted for hundreds of thousands of years for tasks like climbing a tree and picking apples, or hunting rabbits, or looking for mushrooms in the forest. They were not adapted to the very gruelling work that is involved in field work - ploughing, harvesting, bringing water, digging weeds - things like that.
ReplyDeleteIt took five days to drive to Los Angeles by myself. I listened to Abbey Road for six hours at a time and watched the desert open up before me again and again. I saw the sun set and rise at the Grand Canyon, and I sang out over the cliffs, picked up tumble weeds along the way and threw them in the back of my car.
ReplyDeleteI like your dream :)
ReplyDeleteWeeds have this unending characteristic of been resilient. I do hope that they are resilient to the challenges and consequences of their actions. I've had this fear too: doing enough. When do you know that you're doing enough? However, one thing I've learnt is to be relentless about it over and over. Go above and beyond to create the future you want for them. Its possible
ReplyDeleteMy hope is that they never feel out of place or unwanted for too long. Personally, this just highlights my fear of having kids. When I think about the uncertainty of the future, it could be a gut punch sometimes. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI'm just imagining those little tear drops that escape before you can catch yourself sitting in the car for 10 minutes just enjoying the feeling of nostalgia from the first day you dropped them off at Kindergarten. Reverie n bliss
ReplyDelete